Finding Your Circle
We keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. But where is the village? How do we find it?
You are not alone. We live in a world that asks SO much of us. Often our own hopes and dreams are the last things we attend to or they are forgotten all together. That's not only tragic for you and me. We can't thrive when we are stretched so thin. But the world is impoverished as well. The world needs your wisdom, your vision, your art. But to make it, you're going to need support.
Support might not look the way you expect it to.
Almost everytime I've asked for help, I've wondered if I should just push through without it, and then when it arrives, I think it's not nearly enough! Here's what's working for me right now: Instacart, hiring a business coach, working with a parenting coach, treating OT and speech as writing time, voice memos and Polos from friends who cheer me on, dropping off the laundry, taking classes, and more...
I feel conflicted about some of these choices. But I know they reflect the fact that care giving and creativity are tragically undervalued in our world, not that I'm a lazy or thoughtless person. I wish there were better options. Please know we're muddling through this together.
This post is designed to help you think about what kind of support you need (or just simply want!) and how to get it. This process works best when we approach it without judging or blaming ourselves. We need to acknowledge the lack of support in our society is bigger than us and believe that it's possible to find support. I honestly believe that is its own kind of revolution.
The List
We all have a list of must-dos and want-to-dos in our head. Let's get them out on paper. It's going to be a big messy pile of responsibilities. That's ok. There's no too much or not enough with this exercise. It's just what is. List everything you are thinking about, in charge of, managing, delegating, executing, or dreaming about in every are of your life. We'll sort through them in a bit. For now, just work on capturing how you spend your time, energy, and attention without judgment.
Then code each responsibility and interest. You can invent your own symbols or use the ones below. The idea is to give yourself a chance to step back and reflect. Try to bring the same curiosity and creativity you bring to your art to this step. Then take a moment to see what stands out to you.
It's totally possible that your whole list is filled with draining tasks, Or there are lots of things that don't need to be done by you, but you don't have anyone to do them for you. That's ok. We're not trying to make the list go away. That's not possible. It's part of being human. We're just trying to gain some clarity and find a little peace through knowing what's on the list and why.
The Support
Let's put our lists to the side for a moment and think about what kind of support we need--or even just want. No apologies or explanations needed! Don't worry about how to get this kind of support yet. Just think about what would help you feel more energized, creative, and at ease. When it comes to health, yoga, walks, journaling, biaurnal beats, sensory therapy, naps, or a doctor visit might be on your list. You might think about the people who could offer childcare. Also think about VAs, mentors, coaches, friends, family, and experts that might lighten your load in some way. Maybe you are craving travel, a chance to play, fun food, or something else that would feel comforting or energizing. Maybe you just need to watch a movie or call a friend. Think about all the things that might nourish you.
The next step is to think about where you can find the support you need. This is where you need to start thinking creatively. First list the friends and family that might be able to help in some way. Note people who make your life easier like babysitters, chefs, and delivery workers, as well as people you work with like coaches, teachers, editors, agents, therapists, and VAs. Make a list of the people in your life who are actively encouraging you to take up space, make art, and be your whole self. Think about people you don’t know yet but would like to know, and make space for mysterious forces like time, intuition, the universe, and karma.
It's rare to have all the support you need, but you might have more than you realize. Spend a week noticing all the ways people offer to help you and record them here. It might be as simple as your partner picking up the kids, when normally you do that task. It could take the form of a therapeutic chat with your art teacher. Or it might arrive as a gushing review from a reader. The more you look for ways the universe is already supporting you, the more you'll notice what's already working (and the more ideas you'll have for finding the support you're craving).
If finding support was easy, you would have already done it! So I really want to encourage you to look at your life as a whole and think about where you can find support in creative ways. How can you free up time or energy in one area of life, so you can channel it into a different area? (If you want to finish writing your book, it might help to get a meal service for a month.) Of course, you can brainstorm tiny shifts you can make to refresh you energy. But this post is really about finding creative ways to ask for help from your community, family, friends, and professionals. It's also about reviewing your schedule and systems, so your days are built around supporting you rather than demanding more than you can possibly accomplish.
Let's find a way to carry the load together.
There are outside forces beyond our control, but for this exercise, it might help to remind yourself that you're in charge of your life. What kind of boss are you going to be? Are you going to insist that you perform under intense stress again and again? Or are you going to set yourself up for success? What resources do you need to thrive for years to come? Try to think bigger and more long term than you normally do, but also trust that circumstances will change.
Surprising Forms of Support
A pretty planner
Guided meditations
A good pair of shoes
The community bulletin
board at your yoga studio
A garden someone else
tends and you can enjoy
Polos!
Streaming workout services
The right pillow or chair
Uplifting podcasts
Enthusiasm and good cheer
Someone who knows how to entertain kids and not annoy them while you wait
in line
Grants!