Bedside Observations

It’s strange to hug a loved one who has lost weight quickly, like slipping through a wormhole to the past. There’s a visceral sense of change. We have been through a lot of change this summer, and I am very happy to have my husband home after he was in and out of the hospital with pancreatitis.

This has been a summer of doctors and worry. A season of throwing, hissing, and fierce knowing. There have been upside-down fears, heartaches, and milestones I’m too weary to celebrate. Caring for our son during this time has grueling. He needs constant attention and extra patience when he’s wild with worry, which I can’t give him when I’m distracted with logistics, worry, and trying to care for my husband (let alone myself). If I had any doubt, I know now that we need layers of childcare. And yet maybe nothing is meant to change or be fixed. Maybe we are right where we’re meant to be in this swirl of hurt, love, and delight. It feels intensely right to be caring for each other in this way.

Illness and injury are the doors to another world. Hospitals exist on another plane of existence, intimately tied to our bodies in the real world, but existing in their own time, space, and customs. Even once you’re home, there are trials to endure. Isolation. Pain. Strange symptoms. I’ve learned one of my strengths is handling uncertainty and ambiguity. But with illness, I yearn for bullet points, clear takeaways, and summaries I can share with family and friends, because I can’t possibly convey all we have been through, and I know the unknowing is even harder for others to understand.

I have found relief in working on low-lift, low-stakes projects that don’t have deadlines. It may look like I’m productive here, but often I’m sharing when I’m not actually making something new. Other times I look quiet, but in reality I’m busy making work I feel really good about. Making and sharing require very different energies for me, and I’m trusting that it’s ok to show up in ways that might appear uneven to a casual observer.

I’ve received warm wishes and long-distance hugs from friends, family, and people I barely know. A writer friend sent a Starbucks card. Another friend sent a box of snacks and goodies from Target. We got a few new toys for our son. It all felt like people rushing in to say, “Oh no! I wish there was something we can do to help.” Feeling invisible makes any struggle harder for me, so these small gestures lifted my spirits and made me feel less alone. So much is going on behind the scenes for all of us, and it’s nice to know that our relationships can also include these heavier moments. If you’re one of the many people who reached out to say, “I’m thinking of you and your family” or “I hope you get some answers soon,” thank you for cheering us on. It really means a lot. And if you’re ever feeling unsure about saying something to someone you don’t know well or only know professionally, please take this as a sign that being human and acknowledging where someone is at is always a good idea.

I’m still figuring out what work looks like as school starts and my husband slowly returns to work. I’m starting to book critiques and coaching sessions, and I’m sharing simple ways to feel energized and inspired, even when life is overwhelming. I had hoped to offer coworking sessions in the fall, but this summer has shown me I’m still not ready to be anywhere consistently, on time, prepared emotionally or energetically to talk with anyone. Coaching, critiques, and classes still work best for me because they’re asynchronous. Maybe next year. Maybe never.

I share this post knowing it’s rambling, and maybe it doesn’t feel particularly relevant to you if you signed up wanting to read inspiring interviews with creative mothers. But like you, I am a complicated creature living in a complicated world, and I want to share a bit of the context that surrounds my writing life and this project. We are coming off a hard year, and I am deep in it with you. Our family is strong, and hopefully we will come out of this prioritizing our health in ways that feel really nourishing and life changing. My mantra these days is “We have so many good things ahead of us.” What’s going on outside of your writing life? I would love to hear from you too.